I am frustrated when I look at others.  Parents who are bothered by a child's stop in front of a gumball machine.  I slip a penny in.  A little hand turns the knob.  A gumball rolls out and is snatched with childish purpose.  He runs to catch up.  I want to stop the mother.  It is only a penny.  It is only time.  I want to tell her, "Don't ignore the chance for a memory."  I seem to see things others don't see,,,opportunities for love and laughter.  It's like Joseph's death has removed my clouded vision.

I am confused by family and old friendships.  There are phone numbers I dial.  Messages that are never returned.  But a knock comes at the door or the telephone rings.  It is someone I barely know, "I just wanted you to know I always enjoyed talking to your little boy.  I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.  Come over or call anytime."

I have sat and listened to conversations around me.  People talking about the future.  Their plans for their lives.  I listen in silence.  Their earth has not quaked yet.  Life can change in the twinkling of an eye.  Josephs death has changed me.  It has taught me I can never count on tomorrows again.

I tire of hearing how brave I am.  I tire of people saying, "I don't think I could go through what you have been through."  I am no stronger or weaker than they are.  We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice.  Sure, I act normal.  Sure, I smile and crack jokes.  That's not brave,,,that's survival.

I am different today then I was before.  I will continue to change throughout whatever tomorrow's are placed in my hands.  I will never return to 'normal.'  I can only evolve.  This empty person is slowly being refilled.

In the first few months after Joseph left, trips to the cemetery were very important to me.  Taking care of the little piece of ground meant everything to me.  When people drove past I wanted them to know that his family loved him.  Gradually, visits to the cemetery gave way to moments of remembering.  Memories of times we shared and even when he disobeyed, helped me recapture some of what I had lost.  What was in my heart and mind became more important then what was left at the cemetery.

Sharing my life with Joseph has been the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow for me.  When he died I had moments of incredible peace remembering the night he was born.  Coming into this world so easily,,,leaving so quickly.  He walked with me through so many experiences and he will be cherished for who he was.

The transition from giving up the physical person, Joseph, as I had known him is heartbreaking.  Not being able to feel the warmth of his body is devastating every day.

I remember standing next to Joseph's hospital bed the day before he left us.  I told him if he wanted to go to Heaven it was okay with me.  I told him I would do whatever I could to make it easier for him.  I did.  Before the doctor removed the ventilator I started to pray.  I asked God to please take him quickly.  My little boy had suffered enough.  He looked so tired.  I wanted this to be easy for him.  God answered my prayer.  Joseph was in Heaven within minutes.

I was holding him when he took those last few breaths.  I was holding him when he left this world.  The last thing Joseph felt was my touch.  That means so much to me.

Joseph is in Heaven now.  He is able to play without the conditions that were set for him here.  But most of all he can be face to face with his creator.  He is able to hold hands and hug the one who laid down his life for him.

I will never have to worry about whether or not he would have chosen Jesus.

Josephs death was sudden.  No on knows better then this family that life is fragile and unpredictable.  We have to be ready.  We have to make sure that our lives are right with the Lord.  We don't know how many tomorrow's we have.  I would never have imagined that Joseph would only have three years with us.  I don't know how many days I have here.  I can't take a change of never seeing my son again.  And I won't miss the chance to thank Jesus for dying on that cross.  For dying for Joseph, for me, and for you.

~Pam