The weather is trying to turn from the chills of early spring that lags,

This Mother’s Day came & passed in a whirl

Focus on brunch, lunch or some kind of bite

Were not in the forefront this year

Our thoughts started there but,

Plans of celebrations changed with coming family news

An engagement for Candice was announced & off we went

We said our toasts, and cheers to the couple Saturday

Seeing her strength, happiness, stature, & grace

All reminiscent and reminders of you

Grateful for time Sunday spent together reflecting on the new page 

Seeing our togetherness comes in many forms

Learning again, Family is defined in different ways 

And that Love comes from countless places

You would have been very proud to call her, us, your own

We kept a token, flowers, roses from that cherished moment

And as life goes, they have already begun their change

A subtle hint that the pages must turn

This page is now ear marked though 

So that you, we, can look back forever more 

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

I Love You

...So let's take the good times as they go

And I'll meet you further on up the road….

 
Said many ways, many times

Live in the moment
One day at a time
Don’t get ahead of yourself

Absence bringing those words to the forefront

Working to stay in the here and now

Taking in the goods times  

Trying to savor those moments

Letting the rest play out the way it may

The wisdom of your words

The look of it in your eyes

You were never blind

Wisely knowing, choosing what to see

Knowledge today, wasn’t known yesterday

Present Love, stronger than the past

Grateful for your being

Grateful to stand where I am

A desire to be…  

And I'll meet you further on up the road

Memories, mind movement, frames passing
Flickering at different speeds in the dim light
Clack, clack, crackle
Background noise of machine parts that whirl
Film reels turning in the mind’s eye
Like the first moving pictures made

The last weeks, days, moments, kisses
A final touch
And then we said goodbye

What came next, who knew
Sorrows beyond our grasp
Strengths of all beyond compare
Tears of remorse, of longing, of love, of life
A smile, a hug

Then as all must
We walked time’s pathway toward new places in space
Yielding to life’s gravitational pulls
To memories yet formed

Wanting a return to past moments, not to relive
To remember, to cherish
Precious times, feelings, togetherness
Looking back on years

Another gentle tug felt, then one more
Its forward again
To what’s still to come

Hopeful for more signs
For your presence
For your blessings  

And all along the way

For Your Love

Your Birthday Is Here

Painfully the date 3 3 marks almost one year

Everything seemed to slow

Yet time passed so fast

Grief gradually subsides 

Anger's begun to fade

Time keeps moving on

I wish it were different

I wish some times could stand still

A birthday smile, a birthday kiss

A wink, a nod, the sound of your voice 

Those flashes pause in my mind

They remain fixed in my heart

All gifts from birthdays with you

This year I’ll make a toast

The person you were

To the part of you I’ll always have within

Happy Birthday Mom!

I Love You

Time heals all wounds. Maybe

But our memories remain.

Driving, a song hit the radio… Dust In The Wind.

A video reminder, sharing here, grainy film, yesteryear.   

The words and video make me think of you, of a time, transported back.

Their meaning today, not what they meant yesterday.

Time So Short, How True.

It all becomes dust in the wind.

I remember your words…

I lived me life Tom, its your time to live yours.

You said,

 I’ve had a full life, I watched all my kids grow up to be good people

I’ve gotten to see my grandchildren 

I’ve even gotten to see great grandchildren

I know mom, I said, but…

We held a gaze then,

Sharing unspoken words.

Knowing the time would come too soon.

It’s been here and past now, maybe it will get easier,

I close my eyes, only for a moment

And the moment's gone

Dust In The Wind…..


I Love You Mom

So, who am I writing to?  To me, to you, to us?  I echo the sentiment of missing the experience of being with you.  I have feelings about your passing. I am so grateful we got to 84 but so aware that no matter when you leave, the people that precede you will carry this love and loss forever. It is just the way it is.  

There were so many experiences that I am grateful for but they are far too numerous to list here.  However, there are constant hints and nuances.  Maybe Facebook.... and computers bring these back to us.  An accidental view of the 'year in pictures' or someone else's year and there you are.  Facebook does not know that you are gone.  But I do.  

There is nothing that's come that's indicative of a decrease in the feeling of the 'loss'. It's more like a tabling, shelving, compartmentalizing but not a decrease.  We move ahead in spite of. I have repeated conversations in my head.  Feelings of a mother's love towards a son or from him towards her.  I can feel you hugging me and hear your laughter.  I can smell you.  You, like few, belly laughed at my humor. We laughed a lot.  Partially, coping.  Partially just because that was part of the 'us'. We had a good time and since you passed there are new good times.  You loved all of us and I depended on that love.  I feel I learned a lot from you and the lessons keep coming.  But still, I miss you.  You were my mother and my friend and I miss all of it.  We are approaching almost a year.  We passed over the holidays. Things are different now and that is ok.  But it would be nice to share some of the changes and successes with you.  

This Christmas I donated flowers at St. Luke’s.  In memory of John and Mildred Pellicane. While it was a prayer and an honor, it also reinforces the reality of the loss.  On Christmas Eve, when I read the church bulletin, there your names were among so many others.  It was emotional and I can hear your voice now, "the courage to accept the things I can". I do accept it but it’s a process. Myla, our new dog is leaning on me, calling on me to pay attention to her.  She is part of the process so thank you!

Christmas leftovers are in the fridge, the first round of garbage put to the curb, opened presents still at rest under the tree.

The memories of an emotional first Christmas day without you fills my mind.

We smiled, we laughed, we loved, we ate, we toasted and we celebrated.

You were in my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers.

A Hess Truck ritual fulfilled, the impact of its unwrapping was beyond my anticipation.

After a brief explanation, a reminder and smile, my heart sped up, I began to sweat in the cold, tears rushed forward.

The connection made, you to Jake, me to you, it was too much to handle and off I went to find the breath and composure I lost.

A Christmas gift, you were there, I felt your presence, heard your voice, enjoyed your love.

Blink… the day was gone.

Merry Christmas Mom!

I Love You 

The days have passed in numbers, time is hurdling forward, Thanksgiving was here and gone. Christmas will be here in the next breath. There’s a chill in the air and a feel of snow surrounds. Maybe this weekend will get our first taste of the season. 

As Christmas day comes closer I think of you often. Aside from your birthday this, for me, will be the biggest void without you. In my mind I hear the sound of your voice, the gentle laughter you’d share, and maybe even an “oh Tom.”  

We picked out a tree, not the one you see here, altough Candice and Jake would have liked it. As you described years back, a yearning for simplicity, I feel that same yearning today. Thankfully my supportive family works with me on this want. We’ve reduced the scale of the tree, the day, the holiday happenings, striving to keep our balance in a world of hectic bombardment. 

I hope you look down and smile.

I know when we look up we do.

You presence is felt through the absence and we always love you.   

I’m trying to live my life in part by your words…. 

One Day at a Time 

The best made plans were to rejoin you with Huntington in Heckscher Park, possibly with those we love joining me, at time we all chose. But something grabbed me today, this kooky world I guess, and I felt a pull to go to Heckscher with you. Maybe the combination of recent world events, the Indian summer weather, and the first sign of leaves changing had me yearning to make the visit to Heckscher with you now. Living one day at a time, who knows what tomorrow may bring.

I feel like I’m in a profound time of change right now also.  And I think this feeling contributed to a need to be alone with my thoughts, my memories of all the years and visits to Heckscher during our collective familial lives together. 

Hopefully my selection of a resting place for some of your remains and spirit in Heckscher was on point. As the sun peeked through the clouds and the day warmed up I knew it needed to be a spot that enjoyed times of sun and times of shade.  I also tried to consider how your time was spent in Heckscher…. Time at the playground with grand kids, listening to music at the Heckscher concert stage, taking a walk around the pond or maybe a stop in the museum. I don’t know how many times you saw it since it’s fairly new to Heckscher, but fitting is the 9/11 Memorial commemorating the lives of Huntington sons and daughters lost that day.

Finally I settled on a spot under a tall oak, near the memorial with views to the pond, playground, concert stage and museum. The tall oak reminded me of your strength, your ability to bend, to weather storms, your ability to continue on through times of drought, along with the ability to offer respite and shade to others. I lingered for a while reflecting back on where we’ve been and where we are, then I felt another pull. A pull to as John said, put one foot in front of the other. In a flash, the moment at Heckscher passed, or so I thought. 

As I started to head back to Long Beach I turned Pandora radio on in the car. Leaving the parking lot of Heckscher I felt the warm glow of the sun, looked back one more time to feel your essence and then headed up the road. Shortly after I left the parking lot, you gave me a sign that you were with me. As if on cue Iz’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World came on. I thought it might prove too melancholy for the moment and almost turned it off, but it did not. 

Driving along I sang the verses, embracing the warmth, the feeling, the love, the memories, the notion of space and time, and most importantly the spirit of you that lives in me, my kids, and all those you loved and touched.
 
     Thank You

…. Much Love ….  

Years ago you told me how much you loved Long Beach and you wished you had stayed longer than you did.

The memories you shared of your apartment on Neptune Blvd, walks on the Boardwalk, along with others, I will have with me for my lifetime. It seemed only fitting that you returned to the place you loved so much.

For some reason today, which is inexplicable, felt like the right day to return a part of you to the sands of Long Beach forever. 

Your apartment building was a short leisurely walk from the start of the boardwalk at Neptune. The second light post from the beginning of boardwalk is now a place that we can sit, reflect, remember, and feel your presence while taking in the view of the Long Beach you loved.

As I sat there today I could feel your strength and love around me. 

Thank you for all you did. Thank you for all you shared.

We think of you today and always.

We are grateful to have you back at the beach.

…………. Much Love …….…

There’s been a chill in the air this week and the season hints of change, at the same time Jake and Candice are readying themselves for back to school.

 It’s a time of year, we, me and you would look forward to… less heat, less sweating. 

This time of year also brings the first signs of the fall and winter holidays on the horizon. 

These will be our first without you.

 The chill and back to school readying were, surprisingly, joined by the first commercial I’ve seen already announcing that the 2018 Hess Toy truck will be out soon.  

There’s been the ritual over the years of Jake asking me if I thought Grandma would be getting him a Hess truck again this year for Christmas. That usually coincided with your call asking me if I thought Jake would want you to get him a Hess truck again for Christmas. And so our ritual would begin, eventually settling on “yes Jake, I think Grandma will get you a Hess truck” and “yes Mom, he would like a Hess truck, he’s not too old, and is already asking if Grandma will get him one.”

Shortly after you passed me and Adele were doing something in Jake’s bedroom and had to move all his Hess trucks. I found myself weeping, sad, longing to see and hear you. Weepily I asked Adele, without you here, who would get Jake his Hess truck this year. I knew the answer, but needed to express the loss of this ritual to Adele out loud. 

When I saw the commercial this week the thoughts of the Hess truck ritual and that moment with Adele rushed back to me. Once again I found myself weeping. I had expected, actually hoped, I would not be facing this ritual void until sometime down the road.  

While simple, the Hess truck ritual was more than a gift for the holiday. Now I see how it helped keep cadence for one of the rhythms in our life. It was a ritual that connected you and Jake beyond the spoken words, more in heart and mind. 

It is a ritual that I will keep with him. Although I’ll never replace the connection of your hearts and minds, I hope I can help him to maintain this part of his life rhythm and this special connection with you.   

This morning as we headed out with Jake, the weather, breeze and feel of the day remined me of you.... 

The effects of the weather had my mind drifting to thoughts of time passed. I kept thinking about the times you would take Candice for walks while she was in her stroller. 

Not only the laps around the pond at Hecksher Park on a warm summer day. The the walks to Centerport Harbor and up the hills near 620 Washington. The stops at the Centport Deli and maybe even a taste of buttered rolled dunked in coffee. 

I don't know how many miles you covered with Candice, there were certainly many. 

Oddly, that seems like a lifetime ago, and just yesterday at the same time.

I'm grateful for each mile, each step, each moment you were able to take with Candice and that she was able to take with you. 

Thank you again for all the miles you traveled and the help in shaping who she's become.



...Much Love...

 Candice was an avid dancer growing up and grandma was always there to cheer her on. While de-cluttering our house a few months back we found two rolls of undeveloped film. Since everything is digital today we knew these where at least a few years old. 

We brought the film to be developed, and our pick up date was unknowingly scheduled for the two month anniversary of us loosing you. We saw that most of the pictures were illegible from the two rolls, maybe 10 of them survived and this was one. 

I take it as a sign that you are smiling, feeling no pain, and watching over us.

I remember you always being ready to see Candice dance and what a good sport you were as we crammed ourselves into the auditorium seats for the duration of the recitals. Candice was always excited to dance and see her grandma waiting when she finished. 

 
Thank you for being there for her and for us. We love and think of you every day.  

Today Jake turned 11 and as proud as we are is as much as we wish you were here for it.

I wished we had gotten a birthday card from you in the mail. It would have been an opportunity to see your beautiful hand writing. Some of the most beautiful cursive writing I've ever seen. It would have been a chance to speak with you and hear you say "Hi Jake" one more time.

Sadly that's not how it is today. I want you to know I'm grateful for all the times that was how it was.

Another one of those first time milestones: 

Jake's moving up to Middle School

You would have laughed when I told you he didn't want to take a picture at the bus stop, and in the end providing this one because of it, which is like he's on a photo shoot posing professionally. 

I know you where there in spirit, but wished we could have called you after to tell you how it went and hear your voice. We were proud and know you would be too. 

We all love you

It's seems like yesterday that Candice was born and you were pushing her in her stroller to Centerport Harbor, Hecksher Park and all around town.

Ten years have passed since this sweet sixteen picture was taken and this young lady is now a grown woman. She shares many stories about Grandma and the loving relationship you had. One of my favorites is how Grandma let her dunk butter rolls in coffee, a habit that continues today, I have to admit, it is delicious. She also has certain looks, that when she gives me the particular look, I see clear glimpses of you. I also see the strength and fierce independence you passed on to her. Of course I see you in her virtuous heart that's evident every day.

We think of you each and every day. As we pass yet another milestone we thank you for helping us become who we are and being such a big part of our lives.

I am grateful for the help you gave us during the early years with Candice. More importantly the love you shared and the forever bond that grew between you two through the years.

As the days go by I find I’m thinking of you more and more. At times finding myself asking what you would say about this or that. Wanting to talk to you beyond whispers to the sky, along with the thoughts and prayers in my mind. Often I’m wondering how each first will feel and how they feel for you. Praying that you had a speedy journey and that you now are at peace.

During the past few weeks I also often repeat what I said during our private conversations in your room. That I wished I had a magic wand to make it all better. And I wished I had a magic wand to make the pain go away. But I didn't. Hopefully the words, touches and expressions of love from me and all those around you helped to ease your discomfort, if just a little or even for a moment.

I’m grateful for the time we got to share with each other, even up to the last moment we had, choosing never to say goodbye.

Mother’s Day comes this Sunday and while I know you will not be here physically, I, we, look forward to feeling you and your essence spiritually.

As I said many times the course of the last however long…..

Thank you for being my Mom!

Thank you for my being your son.

I Love You Mom

Happy Mother’s Day!

The season is changing the warm summer weather is getting closer. I saw this picture and thought of you. During our Thursdays with Millie I was grateful to hear your stories about Long Beach, the place we now call home. Your passion and love for Long Beach rang true each time you spoke. 

My memories include you saying that as a kid you'd hop on the train in East Rockaway and it was 3 Stops to Long Beach... Oceanside, Island Park, Long Beach.

You shared how at Aunt Grace's house on Curley St. you'd jump in the channel at the end of the block and go swimming. I forget the boxer who's house was at the end of the block where you'd jump in, I think you said Rocky Marciano. 

You reminisced about how you met Daddy at the barge club in Island Park and how you moved to long beach when you married. Along with your time working the phones as an opeartor, not one of your favorites. 

I remember you sharing how you and two friends went swimming before the Lifeguards were on duty for the season and ran into trouble with rip currents. You chuckled when you told me you realized how serious it was, because you saw women praying the rosary on shore as you were being helped out of the water by some good samaritan off duty lifeguards.  

Thinking of your stories make me smile.

The weather change this year is bitter sweet knowing you are not here.

I hope you can smell the salt air, and feel the warmth of a beach sun again now. 

Mom you should be proud of the legacy you left, we are.

I think one of your most successful accomplishments was the future generations you sparked. That is a proud legacy to leave. It is the proud legacy we saw at your Celebration of Life Ceremony this past Saturday. 

Each of your Grand Children & Great-Grand Children are unique. Each one of them is special. And each one of them has a beautiful heart. 

The positive impact you had on these wonderful kids was evident Saturday. It was a blessing to be in their presence. It eased our moments of pain. It provided us with loving support. And in each one of them we were able to see distinctive parts of you. 

We were grateful they openly shared their love for you, for us,and for life. It made the day of celebrating you much more than we could have hoped for.

Our family connection to the past, present, and future was very powerful during the celebration Saturday. Their words, their kindness and their embraces helped us through it all, and it will help us through the tough times ahead. It will happily be part of us for the rest of our lives.

We know you were there in spirit. We know you are as proud as we are. 

We will honor this proud legacy always. 

We will continue to love you each and every day. 

 

It is really strange right now.

But as Mom would say, "there will be a light and it will get easier with time".

I am 58 and for the first 16 years of my life and my siblings life, "Mom" was the center.

Then from the age of 23 until 58, it had been the same, "Mom" was the center.

So for 51 years of my life, it was "Mom" the glue that kept the family of her and 4 children together, with all the ups and downs that that entails.

She worked hard at being the loving center of our lives, a support, a caregiver, she always tried

With 3 boys and 1 girl she became a dear friend to Lisa, I believe Lisa would say her best friend

So it is strange to have such a void, an empty space

But it was her love that taught her children to try and bond and bind together and to tirelessly believe that all 4 children could

It was love

I love you all, Lisa, John and Tom 

I tried to download Mishka "Peace and Love" here but... issues 

Happy Easter Mom!

Lisa remembers hearing you sing “In your Easter bonnet…”

I remember a trip to Orlando, can you say hospital, allergic reaction to goats at Busch Gardens, mom by my side until I was ok.

The time passed, we all led our lives and here we are, the first holiday without you.

I’m sad.

We may not have been together. We definitely would have spoken. You would have said Hi Tom, Happy Easter. I would have said Hi Mom Happy Easter. You might have said “I don’t want to keep you.” I would have laughed and shook my head. We would have shared a laugh or two. We would have ended with Love You!

The hi’s and goodbye’s seem to have been to few now. I wish we had more.

A nice Easter, quiet for us, and Lisa said for her too. We had Kim & Robbie join us with Candice & Jake. We raised a glass and made a toast in your honor over brunch, one of your favorites. A nice time, but different. It was our first holiday without you.

Happy Easter Mom!

We had just seen a Christmas concert in the mall. A local group of seniors.  Most of the stores were vacant.  But the mall had one anchor, Boscovs and there was a Santa was walking around.  I asked him if we could take a picture and he said, "I am really not allowed" but quickly we shot one off.  Mommy talked about how Uncle Frank was in radio here in Scranton.  When she was 18 years old, she took off from home without telling him and came to visit him here.