To say "I miss you so much" or how much pain it causes me to lose you does not do enough justice to describe how I feel this week, and particularly this day. We all have pain that we deal with, we all feel a loss. I have always believed every person's story is important, and every person's pain is as real as your own. Today marks four years I had to let my son go, holding him as he passed away in my arms after a failed surgery to manage his multiple congenital heart defects. That was the most painful week of my life, a week I relive every year.
I want to instead talk to you about what I feel about this loss. While my son was with me, I knew every day was a gift. I often stopped my ever-drifting mind to "remember this time" with you. Now that you are gone, I have these sweet memories. And although I struggle with the pain I endure, keeping your memory is what I have left. The pain is what makes me strong enough to do it. All of our scars show healing, our despair means we felt joy and the pain makes us resilient. I wear it like armor.
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Rebuilding myself and my life without you has been a long journey that I have not completed. And I don't know when or if I will reach that end. The path through grief is littered with emptiness and despair. But there among the scenery is the memory of your smile and laughter, which keeps me moving.
And all through it, I would never regret walking down this path. You were worth it. Every day your memory makes me stronger, stronger than I ever was. The scars I wear are beautiful. This pain makes me feel like I have lived a full life.
One day, your memory will rebuild me stronger in my broken places. The color will burst forth and flourish in my life again. And maybe I will be able to paint a picture with my life to describe how much I miss you, which will cover the remnants of this pain.
Four years felt like yesterday and forever at the same time. But I know you are always with me, in my heart as we walk this path together.