ForeverMissed
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Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, and two of his daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

New
March 24
March 24
Happy Holi, Mummy....

I hope all is colorful and happy today wherever you are...
I am missing all of you... missing the food.. The smells of the day are still with me.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Mummy

I had a beautiful dream last night full of lots of jugnu and them turning into butterflies somehow. We were in the Thapar Nagar house, the one in Gali#6. Babaji was there too. And so I am sure that Ammaji and Papa were also. I didn't really see any faces but had a feeling that you were there. Babaji was worrying about me as usual "aisai mein kaisai jayaigee...", he was saying. It was beautiful. As I walked up, the jugnu were coming up and I don't know how but they transformed into butterflies and were fluttering about!

It was beautiful!

I went to sleep last night wishing very hard that I would see you all just one more time... and there you were...

Not that I need any proofs anymore but it still feels so wonderful to be reminded once again that you are all with me and still your love follows me wherever I go. It is also a reminder for me to always follow your path and try to do as much good as I can. I feel like even if I can help just one person, it will repay, even if just in a small way, for the kindness of so many who helped all four of you. I am lucky (or perhaps you have sent this opportunity my way) that I can do just that. This couple has a very difficult time but they are always smiling and always so happy to see me! I am so happy to have them in my life and so happy for Chris's support in this.

Oh, it was a lovely dream. I just wish that I saw your faces but perhaps your souls are at peace now and you can only be there as a feeling... a deep feeling... That night when you came to me when I was very sad, I can still hear your voice as you called my name... 

Thank you for being there for me... and for still showing me the way...

With all my love
Your daughter
March 8
March 8
Dear Mummy

I think about you all the time. But Taco Bell pizza always brings back happy memories. Both you and Papa were so fond of it :)

I miss you so very much. You would have loved the Gardyn since you loved gardening so...

I was watching an interview the other day - a lady almost my age. She lost her Dad at 5 and she said that not a day goes by when she doesn't think of him. It made me feel validated, I suppose. I was sorry for her to not have had what I had but it feels good to know that there are others who still have emotional attachments.

I love you very much but you already know that. Still... good to say it. I wish I could give you a hug and hold you one more time.

Your daughter
January 28
January 28
Dear Mummy

I had a dream of you last night - that you were walking toward me wearing the sari you wore on my wedding. But I thought to myself - how can it be you as you were gone! You passed me and kept on going. After that it was blurry; something about me investigating and the woman could have been your clone that a company had created. Weird... But she looked so like you!

I also had another dream of you and Papa couple of days ago. It was raining and Papa was on wheelchair when he arrived. You still stood outside in the rain as I tried to get someone else to bring you in. You told me how you weren't feeling well. The dream made me sad. I hope you are well and happy wherever you are.

I think of those two lines you wrote to me on December 4th, 2003 - "Aaj mun bada ajeeb sa ho reha hai; kahin tumhai koi parashani tow nehin...". With all that was going on with you, you were worried about me!

I know you are somewhere because you heard my recent plea... Thank you for that; thank you for giving me the sign that you are somewhere... Even if I can't see you, it brings peace to me.

I love you Mummy. But you have always known that.
Your daughter
December 29, 2023
December 29, 2023
Dear Mummy

It is unfortunate for me that I don't really know for sure when Papa left us. Was it the 28th or 29th when you came for him? It is strange that he should have been gone while all alone and no one to hold his hand in the end. The last four years of his life I was there so much with him - such intense time - and then in the end he was just gone - no goodbyes...

I have it stuck in my head that it was around 11pm on the 28th. I don't know and will never know for sure - when, why and how... But I do know this - that you must have come to take him with you. He had suffered so much. I just wish I had been there. One time, just one time when I didn't go there to be with him when there was no one in town... and a lifetime of regret.

Of course I know now that 'regretting" is easier than actually "doing" things when needed. So my regrets are really meaningless. Nevertheless, I am left with lots of them. I am also left with memories of countless happy times of us, all of us, together and for that I am grateful.

Love you always.
Your daughter
December 24, 2023
December 24, 2023
Dear Mummy

We always used to try and find a restaurant that was open on your anniversary and end up going for lunch at an Indian place. Indian restaurants were not your favorite since you cooked better at home :)

Missing you as always.

Can you see, from wherever you are, a young family member is fighting for her life. Someone came into this World under a very bad star... Can you help? This is a sad time; a very difficult one. I remember going through this with you and Papa and always having a knot in my stomach.

But such is life...

Love you and miss you.
Happy 65th anniversary Eve.
Your daughter
December 20, 2023
December 20, 2023
Dear Mummy

I remember the walk we three went on one day.
Papa and I continued on the longer path and you turned to take a shorter walk since you could no longer walk that much.
I turned and looked back at you as you moved farther and tried to imagine you disappearing (one day)... but it isn't something one can really imagine, I have now learnt. The loss of someone who is loved as deeply as you just has to be felt when it comes.

And now I feel it every day, even though you have been gone 10 years, 3 months and 12 days! 

I couldn't imagine life without Babaji Ammaji... and Papa... Once you left, he became the focal point in my life. He depended on me and I on him - though he probably didn't realize to what extent.

But here I am...
And you are all gone. Couldn't tie you down and keep you with me - just like you predicted. 

Another year without you...
Everything feels like yesterday and yet...

I wish you would call my name again...
Missing you always.
Your daughter
December 10, 2023
December 10, 2023
Dear Mummy

46 years ago, today a day before her birthday Usha mausi passed away. Her smile is mostly what I remember. It affected you very much - we had just arrived here 2 months before. I do wonder what life would have been like for many of us, had she lived... 

I hope you are together now. I hope there is a place where all our souls go and are beyond any more pain and sadness. I hope they reunite with the lost loved ones. 

Wonder how you all could have kept your faith in a God after all the sufferings.
I want to believe in higher power, but have so many questions.

This month is full of birthdays, anniversaries, and losses...
Papa... a kind, unassuming soul and so abandoned and betrayed by us for whom he sacrificed so much. After you were gone, for the next four years he was all I thought about; fought everyone for; but in the end made another mistake of not being there when he needed me. And he went away forever... No goodbyes... nothing... 

Missing you so much.
Love
Your daughter
November 27, 2023
November 27, 2023
Dear Mummy Papa

You were in my dream last night - a silly funny kind of dream but you came!
Missing you very much today.
Thanks to Papa, I have your voice on tape that I can listen to whenever I want. I just listened to your "Om hai...". It just seems so strange still that you are nowhere within my reach anymore. How is it even possible?

But so it is.
Missing you and loving you always.
Your daughter
November 22, 2023
November 22, 2023
Dear Mummy

I don't know why I suddenly feel very sad and realize that my eyes are filled with tears for you. Haven't cried in a very long time, though I think of you every day. Maybe it is the chat with Philip that brought up so many memories... not sure why. Maybe it is something I read from someone else who wondered if one could ever stop missing a parent and how she gets this urge to pick up the phone and call her Mom after dinner. May be it is the Holiday season. Whatever the reason, as a tear falls from my eyes I try to stop it because I don't want to make you sad. I know you don't want to see me cry. I wish I could call you just once and hear your voice again. We used to talk every day - multiple times a day. And now it has been more than 10 years!

Why do I think so much about "what if's" and "only if" and "should have"? Now I am thinking I should have let you two go back to India when you were so sad here and felt defeated. At least you would have, or may have, had family around to laugh and cry with. All you wanted was family - not too much to wish for - and it just was not to be. 

Are you at peace now? I hope so. I will try my best to smile at your memories and not feel anything else. I will try. Maybe you will call my name again like the other day and I can hear your voice again.

You knew that I loved you and needed you in the end - that is my only consolation. Did Papa? I am not so sure. If only I had been there that day on your 59th wedding anniversary - if only... I used to get so mad at him and would leave in a huff, sit in my car and already start planning next trip. He made me so angry because I felt he didn't try hard enough but maybe he just wanted to get whatever enjoyment he could out of that terrible existence since he could no longer be at home. I am just so grateful that at least you left before you were given the sentence you were so extremely afraid of and for which I had promised I won't let happen - but would I have had a say?  Glad that we didn't have to find out. 

Another year is about to pass... time is just flying by... too quickly.
Love always.
Your daughter
November 5, 2023
November 5, 2023
Dear Mummy

Chris says that he dreamt of you few nights ago - that he and you were having a long talk. He saw you, got up, went back to sleep and the dream continued. But he can't remember what it was that you two talked about. It made me happy to know that you were in his dream.

I miss you so much. Last I heard your voice that woke me up from a disturbed sleep was few weeks ago.

Jill has lost her Mom - a day after your 86th birthday this year. It made me sad. She is such a sweet person and it had been few difficult years prior to her Mom passing. Because of you two I know some of the best people and even though some day we are bound to lose touch, they have been with me for the past 10 years as a constant means of support. That says a lot about you two and how much you were loved and respected.

Love you always.
Your daughter
September 26, 2023
September 26, 2023
Dear Mummy

I dreamt of you and Papa just the other night. Somewhere in the valley of mountains, night was cold and beautiful and covered with snow. I had a feeling that you and Papa were with me and we headed out into the night for a walk and we were going to release a bunch of jugnu into the fresh air.

Haven't seen jugnu in ages! I don't see you as clearly as I used to. You appear to be there as a feeling, as a vague presence. But I am thankful for this just as much. I know you are still around and keeping your watch on me - though I don't deserve any of this love.

I love you for being around. Wish you would send more signs - at least one each day :) But then I look at Chris and know that he is just the sign - sign of the love of the four of you; and I feel grateful. I am also grateful that whenever I see you in my dreams or picture you in my mind, I only see the healthy smiling you - it brings me some peace.

Still I miss you very much. Always will.
Love,
Your daughter
September 14, 2023
September 14, 2023
Dear Mummy

Janamdin Mubarak.

Yesterday I was listening to a tape of family conversation that Papa brought back in 1979 when he went to see Babaji in Dehradun. It was so nice! It took me back to the days when we all used to get together - the whole family. It was missing Bala Taiji and few others but most of the family was there. 

These tapes are one of the best gifts Papa has left for me.

It reminded me of how blessed I have been! So loved by all. 
I am a very lucky person - very undeserving of so much love - but grateful for everything I have had and have even now.

There is a hole in my life left by all of you who have given me so much - unconditionally and in abundance - this hole can never be filled . How can it? I embrace and honour what I have today and miss all that, that was once my home, my family. I miss all that love that was poured over me. But you know - I know you see it from where you are - sometimes Chris says things that remind me so much of how protective Babaji was of me - and of how important I was to him. I know what I have now is only because of the blessings sent for me from all of you. You once asked something of Chris - just before... - in July of 2013 - he has always honoured that.

Happy Birthday, Mummy. I hope that you will smile and laugh that beautiful laughter you once had - together with all our family who is there with you now.

I will make Pakori for you. Would have made Samosa but Chris likes Pakori better. I still remember (and have told Chris often) how you would get up and make Pakori at midnight sometimes when we were still awake and had a craving for it :)

Those were happy years...
With a grateful heart I send you my love and hope that the wind carries it up to you...

Love
Your daughter
September 8, 2023
September 8, 2023
Dear Mummy

I woke up today with the thought that your blood flows through my veins and so you live on within me... So maybe I will celebrate this day the way you would want me to - by remembering the fun times we had together with a smile.

And I know that there are friends who still remember you with love and respect and so I honour them and owe them a debt of gratitude.

You still live on in memory of people who truly cared for you and loved you.

Walk with me - even if just in my dreams...

With all my love and happy memories
Your daughter
September 8, 2023
September 8, 2023
Dear Mummy

We stopped at a place while biking today. There was a couple sitting on the bench in front of me and the lady was pouring something out of a cooler. I couldn't help but stare because she looked so much like you! She was your height and dressed as you used to in pants and top and she was even fiddling with the cooler just like you used to!

They were from South America. I told her that she reminded me of my Mom and she smiled. She told me, just like you would, to go inside to cool off because it was extremely hot where I was sitting.

Also another interesting thing happened this morning when I opened my emails and opened up the email from Medium. The very first article was a poem titled "Letting Go" by A.J. Land. As if you were talking to me... Here what it said:

"
it was simply easier to go

staying had become untenable
a cattle’s yoke holding me in the
cruelest of tension

letting go arrived
the sweetest release

finally
an exhale

I didn’t realize how long
I’d been holding my breath

I had nothing left to give

you understand, don’t you

please hold no grudge

I was so weary

sleep was
all there was
left

let me rest
let me rest
let me rest

my body tried telling me
what it needed

my soul knew

I didn’t mean to hurt you but
I just couldn’t abide
here any longer

please forgive me

one day
you will understand

that your work here
has drawn to a close

that when a canopy of the
purest light
begins to envelop you

and never before have
you known such serenity

that all will be well
in the end

and you see for yourself
this last breath
is as natural and holy
as the first
"


I know you are always with me... you all are...
These were interesting events today if they were just coincidences.
But I believe, or want ot believe in, signs. Like someone said in another article something to the effect that you may get signs from your loved ones and it is upto you to choose whether to believe in them or not. I do and I want to...

Love you Mummy
Your daughter
September 8, 2023
September 8, 2023
Heartfelt Sradanjali! We have so many fond memories with you and Sushil ji! We miss you specially on Sunday's pujas!
September 7, 2023
September 7, 2023
Dear Mummy

10 years ago this day we - you and I - would sit together for the last time. 
My brain may have known it then but my heart didn't. You used to ask me "Hamein baandh ker rukh legi kya?" when you were frustrated with my fussing over you and Papa; and I would say "Haan, rukh loongi...". If I held on you this night 10 years ago, would you have stayed? I will never know. 

Today is Janmashtami...
Remember how we used to celebrate this day? I know you do wherever you are... I loved it for the delicious food - loved the amrood-kela chaat in the afternoons and all the other things that you and Ammaji made - kotu ki pakora with dahi, kotu ki kachori and so many other things.

Oh, those were the days!!

I miss them... miss celebrating the holidays with you all...
Most of all I just miss you.

Love you always
Your daughter
September 3, 2023
September 3, 2023
Dear Mummy

Today, 46 years ago, the four of us left everything we had ever known - everyone we had ever loved and were loved by - to come to this land. You and I never saw Babaji again. I keep imagining his eyes just waiting for us and holding on despite of terrible pain and condition he was in.... his only hope - to see us once again and only wish to leave Ammaji in the hands of those she was most comfortable in. 

The one and only wish - and we could/did not honour. 

And what was the benefit after all this pain because pain was all we left for the two of them - and pain is all that you and Papa suffered being here. You two gave up everything and all you wanted was a peaceful life...

And even that was not to be...
They were betrayed by their children; you by yours...

I can't help thinking that I have been the only beneficiary in the end but I also know that I would have given it up happily to go back and do it over again. This time around I would not leave Babaji and Ammaji. Just that action would change everything because then you would have come back... and Babaji would have fared better and had less stress if I had been there.

But all these would have's and should have's do nothing now and are easier to imagine now that nothing can be reversed.

Since Papa left me, I always remember this day now - I remember many things and think of many unasked and unanswered questions now that all four of you are gone and my mind is free to dwell over the past. And I do a lot of it nowadays.

Wish you were here. This is the month you would come in this World and also leave it. This is the month when Babaji and Ammaji were born. And this is the month you and I said final (though we didn't know it then) goodbyes to Babaji - and even to Ammaji for all practical purposes, for she never got to go back to the life she so wished for and hoped for.

You came to me the other night when I was very distressed - just for a moment I heard your voice. So I know you are somewhere close - always keeping a watch over me. I smile when I think of the days you used to walk me to the University bus stop... wonder what other students thought of that :) I miss you looking out the window when I came home late at nights from school because you worried - but you never let me know that because you would pretend to be asleep when I arrived thinking it would upset me to have you be up that late :)
You didn't know that I knew :)

And I miss that... miss all those times... miss all the love you all gave me... but grateful for everything.

Almost 10 years now since you left me... and it all seems like yesterday. Wish I could hold your hand tightly and not let you go...

Love you and always thinking of you.
Your daughter
August 17, 2023
August 17, 2023
Dear Mummy

You came to me last night in my dream... just when I needed you.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says, I believe it is another sign that you are always somewhere close... still worrying about me.

And you did worry...
more than I thought you would...

Love you Mummy...
and miss you very much.

Your daughter
August 6, 2023
August 6, 2023
Dear Mummy

The bike path through the woods is full of pine cones...
They remind me of the time you were taking craft lessons and wanted me to bring you some if I found them.

There are a plenty of them here but I don't know where to find you...

You haven't been in my dreams in a long time. You are not angry with me? -- though you have every right to be.

I was just reading an article on Medium. The author lost her Mom two years ago and misses her Mom very much. She describes the last moments of her Mom's life - her Mom was loved, felt loved as she took her last breath - family held her hands and feet and told her how they loved her. You were loved too - if only by Papa and me. I hope you felt that as you went into the loving arms of all those family members who went before you. 

I hope you were... and are... at peace.

I miss you so very much.
Love, Your daughter
June 13, 2023
June 13, 2023
Dear Mummy

After several weeks of break I thought I was ready to continue with Babaji Ammaji's letters again. Just finished with November 16th and 23rd 1979 letters. I started reading the one that Ammaji wrote on the 27th and once again I don't have the courage to go on reading. Not reading is not an option but it is so hard. Wish you were here with me... wish I read them when you were still here. So many things I had forgotten!! It sounds to me that Babaji didn't have cancer after all and someone rushed to operate on him and made everything worse - a lot worse!! All of us have been screwed up by doctors, it appears...

In this letter Ammaji writes that she wished they could go back to Meerut but that could never be again. She hoped that when we returned and stayed in Meerut - she was pining for Meerut, for us, for our lives as they used to be. From this letter it looks like Babaji is getting worse again after seeing a couple of good weeks back in October.

On another note, I made Til ki lauz - my second try. It turned out to be not so bad - not like Ammaji's but not too bad. Reminds me of the days when Ammaji used to make so many different kinds of barfis! 

I am trying to grow zucchini, beans and cilantro and Chris built a raised garden for me to plant flowers for the butterflies. Let's see how it goes. You and Babaji would have loved to grow garden here - you both had a green thumb. I want to grow the butterfly garden in memory of all four of you and hope it will thrive.

Love you.
Help me go through these letters.
Give me a sign that you are all happy somewhere in a place that is warm and bright and has place for no more tears and pain.

Your daughter



June 9, 2023
June 9, 2023
Dear Mummy

I am wearing the top today that you were wearing on that Sunday morning of September 8th, 2013 when you bid your final goodbye to all who loved you and to the house you were bound to. I have often regretted that I did not have presence of mind that morning to accompany you when they took you away. You never wanted to go anywhere alone; never even wanted to come to stay with me without Papa. I should have gone with you. But there are lots of "should haves" for me and will be with me until I draw my last breath.

We tend to take people for granted while they are with us, but some - like me - are more guilty of it than the others. I suppose I thought all four of you will be around always but that doesn't happen, does it? 
I hope to not repeat the same mistake with the last person I have in my life.

All four of you suffered so much, both physically and emotionally when every single one of you was a good person who never hurt anyone and did all you could to help others and to make them happy. Still there was such tremendous suffering!! I wondered for a while why God would allow that, if there is one. But I am beginning to think now that if there is a God, he gave us enough wisdom to do the right thing. He gave me everything I could ever want or need, even much more than that. I have been an extremely lucky person. But I did not use my life to give, even the four of you who gave me everything and all the love in the World, the love and care you deserved.
This is my biggest source of regret now. I miss you all terribly, yes. But had I taken care of you instead of selfishly looking out for myself and you had gone in your sleep like maji did, I would be more at peace now.

Maji was very lucky in that regard. I don't know much about her life at all except a memory or two of her sitting in the veranda but at least she seems to have gone peacefully.

Sometimes I worry how my end will be. Really who would have possibly imagined that Papa would end up in a nursing home and spend last four years of his life not being able to be independent. And at least I would not have expected him to suffer through all that and yet always have a smile on his face. No, I thought he was not strong enough for that but he proved me wrong. Now everyone who knew him, if they remember him they do it for his Big smile. How wrong I was !! So how will I draw my last breath? I am not strong. I worry but then like Michael J. Fox said the other day in an interview, why worry about what hasn't happened - because if it does happen, you end up living through it twice!! What inspirational words from someone suffering from Parkinsons for years now!!

No I don't worry about me. Whatever happens, if bad, I deserve it and hope to bear it without complaining. I just wish the four of you hadn't suffered.

Still every now and then I get a sign from you that you are somewhere keeping your blessings on me and showing me a way to follow, at least to some degree, your path.


With all my love
Your daughter
May 14, 2023
May 14, 2023
I remember yesterday,
You were here with me.
A part of me believed,
  that that was the way
     it would always be.  -- ??


Happy Mother's Day, Mummy. Hope you, Ammaji, Naniji, Maji and all other mothers who came before are happy and smiling today - and always.

Missing you very much - even though my brain has been occupied with Babaji and Ammaji these days as I read old letters - you are always in my heart. I am reaching the hardest part now, towards the end of 1979 and I haven't had the courage to read them for the last couple of days because I know what is coming. Also it is making me sad that there are not going to be many more letters from Babaji and even from Ammaji as her health declined. I wish you were here to read them with me - it would make it easier somehow. Help me go through these last letters...

Love you very much.
Happy Mother's Day, wherever you are...
Your daughter
May 3, 2023
May 3, 2023
Dear Mummy

I have reached the dreaded point in the series of Babaji Ammaji's letters where they had to leave Meerut. Three days ago I read their letter from May 9th, 1979 and everything seemed as normal as it could be. It was a sense of big relief that Neeraj bhaiya was there with them since January for the year and I am sure that they were happier at that time. But yesterday when I picked up the next letter (I failed to observe the writing on the envelope, otherwise I would have been prepared), it was dated June 11th, 1979 and was written from Dehradun. 

First letter I read was from Babaji to Papa and he said "much has happened during the last month" - and indeed it had. I must be missing several letters in between from others where they must have talked about sudden deterioration in Babaji's health and the unsuccessful operation. I read his letter and Ammaji's and also Chachaji's. I wasn't prepared for it at that moment when I opened the letter. It is much harder now to go through these letters without you reading them with me. Misery loves company, I guess and I wish I had someone - Papa or you - to share this pain with.

What strikes me most is the emotional strength of the two of them and the ability to adapt to so-suddenly-altered-life. I can't imagine the pain they felt in having to leave their beloved Meerut so suddenly; not to speak of this change in their life and hopes. But even in those letters written so close to the time of sky falling they are most worried about us!! Ammaji mentioned how difficult it was to leave Meerut and how so many people came to bid teary goodbyes to them but then she quickly goes into worrying about us and about how much more comfortable it is in Dehradun (which I am sure it was. Life in Meerut without us and with their age as well as all the illnesses they suffered since our departure had to have been quite difficult. I often wonder what they did for meals even when Ammaji was sick for weeks) - but the change must have been unimaginably difficult. I know that I am not very good at adapting to new situations and that I am quite week emotionally; and more than that I know the fact that I am incapable of loving anyone the way they did. In their terrible pain they felt ours more... Even you -- you were in most distressful time in the end but your biggest worry was how I would cope without you and that's when you called Chris... I don't think I could ever love anyone like that - so unselfishly and so completely. I am not proud of this but it is a fact. 

I realize every day more and more how lucky I have been to have received such love and how my life has been much blessed - much more than, I am sure, anyone else's and how undeserving. These letters remind me every day how loved I have been and how little I have been able to reciprocate - rather how little I have reciprocated. 

Babaji said "mein in dono kai dil ko jaanta hoon" - but did he? 
I remember thinking in those days that while I wanted to go and see Babaji at that time but part of me was resisting as I didn't have the courage to see him that way. 

Mummy... I miss you so much. I hope you know this... Lately since I have been reading Babaji Ammaji's letters, I have thought a little less about you and Papa but you are never far away from my thoughts for long.

I hope - probably because I need this hope - that you are all together now and happy. I am lucky to have the voices of the whole family that Papa had taped in 1979 during his visit. Listening to these brings tears and sorrow and a tremendous sense of loss but at least I can hear them to bring me back the old familiar memories and take me back to the happy times of my childhood. In one letter Ammaji mentioned how much she would like to hear the voice of Babaji but that she couldn't ask anyone to play the tape - this was far from the belief that both Babaji and Ammaji had that the family would take care of Ammaji. Babaji was so very concerned for her and she missed him and her days with him in Meerut terribly. 

We did not do our part. She was our responsibility... and we failed everyone.
I failed you two.

I have everything now except the people of my growing up years and how life could have just been perfect if you could all come back just for a day...

Ammaji once wrote to think of her and Babaji when we drove in our car... I picture you all sitting in places at the house and picture how happy you all would have been... 

Another Mother's day is coming... without you with me. But you are in my heart.

I love you Mummy.
Your daughter
April 18, 2023
April 18, 2023
Dear Mummy

I hope you are happy with who I have chosen to be the best recipient of your legacy and in particular the jewelry. She will take really good care of everything and is very happy to receive the pieces. I find it difficult to part from some of these as I love them and knowing they belonged to you and also a few that you brought from India for me. But I would like to be sure they reached the best caretaker and the best person who would enjoyed them as much as you and I ever did - and I would also like to do this in my lifetime just so I am assured of them reaching those whom you would approve - at least I think you would.

I wish you got to know her. You would have loved her as much as I do. She is the sister I always wanted. Remember, I told you a couple of times that I wish I had a sister? While I knew that was impossible at this point, I wished for it - and this is why I feel that you are all looking after me even from where you are. What can be more proof that the love can transcend space and time - no matter how far and no matter how long.

And this must be where you wanted your legacy to land; otherwise why would she come my way at this later stage? 

I love you for being my Mum and I love you all for still showing me the way forward...

All in your memory.
Your daughter
April 11, 2023
April 11, 2023
Dear Mummy

I don't know whether others who have lost someone they loved more than life ever recover really. It doesn't really matter how others deal with their loss(es). For me the memories of the four of you are and will forever stay fresh in my mind and heart. I have no complains from life as I have had everything anyone can ever want or need. Maybe it was God who poured His love on me through the four of you and now Chris or maybe it is just a chance - I don't know. Lately I feel like there is a God but maybe I am just making it up as it makes me feel better. Maybe he gave me everything through you and it is me who dishonored the gift by not being there for any of the four of you. I read in so many of letters from Babaji and Ammaji from late 1978 onwards when I didn't write to them often. They kept loving me and believing in me thinking that I was just busy with school and work but perhaps I was also just became too self-involved. I don't know how - now I can't see how I could have put them on a back burner but young are selfish and somewhat cruel. Perhaps I thought that they will be around when we returned - but that was not to be. And then there were you two - If I could go back in time I would keep you and force you to stay in Maryland. While we would have argued and fought as usual but we all knew how much we loved each other - of that there was never a doubt. 

So many should-haves and would-haves...
It is a burden on my soul - a heavy one.
One I need to carry with me as long as I live.

Love you always.
Your daughter
April 6, 2023
April 6, 2023
Dear Mummy

It is almost 43 years since Babaji left us - with one wish in his heart - to see us back just once again... and to feel secure for Ammaji. But it was not to be...

It is just so surprising that life can continue for this long when I thought I could never live without Babaji. Then I thought I couldn't live without you and Papa and yet you have been gone for almost nine and a half year now!

Can you still see me? I sometimes feel that you are still around visiting me every now and then... I miss you all so much. The letters of Babaji Ammaji are painful to read... painful to see how they counted years, months and days of our return.. painful to know how Babaji had to suffer so much with no help from us when we were together all our lives... to leave them at the stage when they absolutely needed us... and still more painful to see Ammaji's letter which she must have wrote when she was in pure agony with grief because she tried her best always to not let us see her tears and hurt. Having to go from place to place and feeling of not belonging anywhere - the way you felt in those later years! 

The pain I feel from thinking of her pain and yours - I know that it is nothing compared to what you two felt. There are some things that cannot be forgotten... and I will not forget. May be I can do a few things to help others as a way to feel that maybe, just maybe, I can bring some peace to your souls. That is all I can do now... I think that you have shown me a way... an option. You know how I have been all those years of your illness and then Papa's. I always had to do more research or do something - anything to actually just sit and just give up and be sad. "I will not give up" - you wrote to me once...

I won't give up.

I hope that while I could not or did not - more correctly - helped you, I can, in some very small way, do something for few others. Maybe their prayers will reach God, if there is one, and bring smiles to your faces.

That is my hope at least... That is all I can do now.  I feel that I would not have had this idea unless you all inspired it in me. 

In your memory...
With all my love
Your daughter











March 23, 2023
March 23, 2023
Dear Mummy

Kaash ki tum yehan hoti. Hum babaji ammaji ki chithiyan saath saath padhtai phir saie aur khoob rotai. Tum hoti taw mujhmein shayad thodi aur himmat hoti. Mujhai dar lagta hai April 1979 ki baad ki chithiyan padhnei mein...

Kaisai pata karoon ki tum sub theek ho kahin...
Kisi terhai sai pata chal jayai tow mujhai kuch shanti milai...

Per aisaa kaisai ho sakta hai? 
Shayad yehi meri saja ho...

I miss you so much
Your daughter
March 7, 2023
March 7, 2023
Happy Holi Mummy...

Hope there are all sorts of colors where you are...
and only smiles and happiness...
and days are sunny and forever long...

Love you
Your daughter
March 2, 2023
March 2, 2023
Dear Mummy


You once wrote to me in a letter dated 14 Dec 2003 - "aaj mun bada ajeeb sa ho reha hai, tumhein koi pareshani tow nehin?". I wonder if you feel like that today? I don't even know why but I feel a bit low today. I thought I share this with you since you always felt, and rightly so, that I didn't share much of my life and whatever was happening with it. Mummy, I would have shared but I didn't even have a lot of time to think about anything else except for you, Papa and whatever was going on with you at home and medically. I never 'not shared' on purpose - just that nothing seemed important enough of a problem compared to yours.

Chris, whenever we talk about it, sometimes laughingly and sometimes seriously always wonders and asks why you (and I) were so afraid. I don't have an answer. But I wish that when I moved out, we three should have done so together. But I doubt that you were ready to cut the strings then. We could have and should have done it later. Once again, as with Babaji Ammaji, the fault really lies on my doorstep.

I wonder sometimes whether your suffering (and Papa's) was because of the fact that we moved here leaving Babaji Ammaji all alone. They suffered much even though I have never seen a word of complaint from them ever. Was it a punishment to you two? That will be my fate as well. In fact it already is. While my life, thanks to the four of you, lacks nothing but there is a burden on my heart and soul that will always be there - until I draw my last breath and hopefully fall back in your arms. A day like today when it is overcast and wet, this burden seems to get heavier. 

I wish you were here to talk to.
But you are somewhere, I know... I hope... 

With all my love
Your daughter
February 22, 2023
February 22, 2023
Dear mummy

I always miss you, you know it. I miss our life in Meerut with all of you healthy and happy.
But I feel a new ache these days in my heart as I read, of all things, Michelle Obama's books. I am reading "Becoming" now and strangely so many things she says, I can relate to. She mentions how even though she and her brother could see the deterioration in their father's health, whenever they asked he would say "I am fine". She says that they accepted this answer because it was steadying and steady is how they liked to be. This reminded me of all those times when I would ask you about how you and Papa were and whether all was well. You would say " sub theek hai" and your voice on the phone was always so strong and sure and comfortable sounding that I would accept it on the face value even though in my heart I knew otherwise. I accepted it because it made me feel better and allowed me to move on with whatever I was doing. It was selfish, I know but I allowed myself, at those times, to be comforted by the sound of your voice.

I should have forced you two to stay back in Maryland. I know we would have had our problems but nothing like how it turned out with your move to Wisconsin. Same with Babaji Ammaji, the path not taken would have been the right one - me staying with them rather than moving to US and then later moving back so Ammaji and we all could be together again and at the same time could honor one wish Babaji ever expressed to us.

Paths not taken is what that haunts me now and always will. How can I undo what cannot be? Wish you were somewhere I could reach out and put my head in your lap and have a good cry. Won't you come and hold me in my dream? Just once more?

In Mrs. Obama's words "It hurts to live after someone dies". It does, more than I can say.

With all my love
Your daughter
February 9, 2023
February 9, 2023
Dear Mummy

I wish I could have the bench that you and I sat on that last evening on September 7th, 2013. I think of you and I sitting there that evening and it is almost like yesterday! 

I wish you were here to read Babaji Ammaji's letters with me, like we used to when they came. Remember how you and I used to cry when Papa brought those during lunch time? They are so full of love and equally of tears for us and I wish I had someone to share them with - someone to read them with. I wish you would come back just for a day and we could sit together and talk about them and about us and how I miss you. I wish you could be here...

I miss your smile...
I remember when you cried on the phone when Papa was in hospital and you had no one to talk to and no one to console you and take care of you. 
I remember when you were in the hospital and someone you loved very much went on picnic. I remember you never complaining or letting me see your hurt.
I want someone to pay, it hurts so much. But that is not what you two or Babaji Ammaji have taught me. And I want to be able to say, when I see you again, that I tried my best to follow your path. I try my best but I am afraid I am failing. I am failing because I have not inherited your strength. If I ask you, will you send me some of that ability to smile and move on in the face of so much suffering? You always told me to be strong and that the World was not what I thought it was. But I guess in those days I had you two and the memories of Babaji Ammaji and I couldn't see past those happy things.

You were right to worry about me for how I would be able to live without you. I didn't think I would miss you this much - I confess. But reading Babaji Ammaji's letters just making the memories much sharper and as the story evolves with the letters I read, some of the things I had forgotten are returning to me. Like in the beginning when I was not happy for the first couple of months and Babaji heard of the difficulties that new students in America have to face, he wanted me to come back. He wrote to Papa several times to send me back and even said that he would pay the cost somehow also. Reading those I feel like he was beginning to see a glimmer of hope that I may come back home. But when I was admitted to the university, his next letter of November 11th, 1977 clearly shows that he faced another loss, almost - loss of hope. I wish you sent me back. That would have been the best thing. Me being with Babaji Ammaji would have kept them from being so sad and who knows that may have kept Babaji from getting sick, at least for a longer while. You would have certainly returned and would have gotten the medical help you needed. And our lives would not have turned upside down like they did.

Lots of "should have's" and regrets. But one chooses a path when a crossroad comes and only time tells which one of those was the best. But I can't help wishing that Babaji had kept me with him and not let me go with you two. These are the times when I wish/hope for a parallel universe.

Hope you and Taiji are still friends and are following one another in whatever you do like you used to. Papa, Vimala mausi and Taiji - all left around the same time. That was a very strange and sad time and seemed like everyone was leaving us. Most everyone has left us...

In your forever memory.
Your daughter
February 6, 2023
February 6, 2023
Dear Mummy
I had a very distressing dream of you last night. I hope you are smiling wherever you are. The dream woke me up and it took a while for me to realize where I was. 
I could use a hug like the one you gave me few years back...

Wish you were here so I could tell you things. 
Wish you were here so I could ask you about so many things you never talked about. You never talked about, until that one time toward the end, about Naniji. I don't know much about her. Wish I wasn't such a worrier because then we would have talked about many more things than just about your health and food - because none of those talks did any good and probably only harmed.

This morning I sat in the room looking at your pictures and watched the sunlight travel through your face. One of the pictures is the one of you with Priya when she was 3 or 4. You had such a beautiful smile on your face as you looked at her. You had such a beautiful smile until someone stole it. I hope the ones who stole your smile and tore your heart in two will suffer in the end. But in my experience so far I see mostly bad people live a good happy life and people who wouldn't hurt a fly suffer. Why else would 7 out of 10 of you would have suffered so much in the end? All of you were the best of people that I know of. Is there a God? If so, why all this? Both you and Ammaji wondered about why God would do such things and play such games. Ammaji had faith that God would not punish them and allow Babaji to get better enough so that we could all once again live together. But that faith wasn't rewarded... And same with the rest of you who went through such emotional and physical pains and why? -- I ask. But there isn't an answer, is there?

I miss you so much and wish I could take the pain away that cannot possibly be taken away now that it is all too late.

I can only love you until my last breath and I will always.
Love you
Your daughter
January 26, 2023
January 26, 2023
Dear Mummy

I dreamt that I was with Indira mami, mamaji and Guddi jeeji. The weather was bad and so they asked me to stay with them until next day. So I started to write you a letter to let you know. The last thing I remember writing (and then I woke up) was "I miss you so much, Mummy!"

I hope you got that letter...

And I do miss you... very much.
Love
Your daughter

January 25, 2023
January 25, 2023
Dear Mummy

I was reading a book yesterday and it occurred to me that I should say something to you...
   Thank you for giving me your trust...


Missing you very much, but then you know that.
With all my love
Your daughter
January 3, 2023
January 3, 2023
Dear Chachi , hope you remember today is 22nd punyantithi for papa.
You all rest in peace where ever you all are
January 1, 2023
January 1, 2023
From my beginning until your end
You were by my side, my first best friend...
               - Author unknown

Dear Mummy
I have missed you in my dreams...
Come and let me see you smile again.

Another new year without you...

With all my love
your daughter
December 26, 2022
December 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

64 years ago today when you were 21 and full of hope and probably quite nervous in your new home. 

We used to go for lunch to celebrate your day.
But the memories will have to do for now.

Love you for being my Mum
Your Gudia
December 20, 2022
December 20, 2022

To the Family I miss every day --

Michael is here. Chris and he are talking. Doing things together. I think of you us and how we used to sit together, talk, make plans for the day or for tomorrow, and of course, fight too. But it was all good. We were together, comfortable with each other, and everything was alright. Long ago when we lived together, I guess at the time that was just a normal day or normal week or normal whatever. But now whenever I think of that time whether it is Meerut or here, it all feels so cozy. A warmth, a closeness, a feeling that all is right in the World. 

Never again will I have that feeling. You, none of you whom I loved and who loved me more than life, are here anymore. I tell myself that I will see you again. Will I? Just because I would like to believe it, will that make it true? Are the little incidents that seem like a sign that you are somewhere waiting for me, are they real? Or just something that I need to be true? I don't know. I hope I will see you again someday.

I sit in the window, reading "Aapka Bunti", thinking of the time when Ammaji and I used to read it together when it published in Dharmyug. Was it so long ago? Or just yesterday? How comfortable you would have been here! I started to cry but then I remembered that it would make you sad to see tears in my eyes. So, I thought I write you this letter while I am feeling whatever I am feeling.

I think I will send this letter to all of you as it is what I would say to all of you. 

I miss the voices that called me "Gudia". I miss talking in Hindi. But more than anything I miss the comfortable and warm feeling of what only people who brought me up could bring.

May my voice and love reach all of you.

With all my love
Your Gudia

December 17, 2022
December 17, 2022
Chachi informing you that yesterday chitta chahi went in disturbed mind। She called bhaiya and Rekha bhabhi at her own from dehradun itself and Asking from them that where is Amma babajI , Lucknow Wale bhai sahab and bhabhi, rajendra Tau ji and Bala bhabhi , sushil bhai sahab and you?
Though it was Temporary and happened for the first time she was saying that she is in Meerut (while she was in Ddn) but unable to locate any one

As Sangeet reported to us in night whe was all right land normal ater on।
Chachi your blessing to her will go long way । Where ever you just pray for her ।
She is the only alive member of Bansal family originating from baba ji and dadi ji amongst of their generation
December 15, 2022
December 15, 2022
Dear Mummy

I remember listening to Babaji Ammaji's tapes from papa's visit in 1980 and you and I sitting together crying. I managed to get both tapes processed fully. Listening to these by myself is too painful. Their pain crosses the time span and enters my heart in a way that I cannot describe. They were the best of anyone I know. So if there is a God then why did he make them suffer so much? Or maybe there is a God and they suffered through us because if we had stayed together in India, their pain would have surely been less and Ammaji would have been home. If we had stayed in India, even you would have been better off because I am convinced that the treatment of your cancer would have been done way before it spread all over and caused unbearable pain and suffering to you. But who was to know that Babaji would not be able to make it for the next three years, given that he had never really been sick in his life!

There are so many 'should have', 'would have' and 'could have's.. Sometimes I can't sleep thinking about all this. I remember being very disturbed one night because for some reason I was thinking about Babaji's let pain that he suffered a great deal from after we left. That was the night of February 14th, 2013 when Papa had his stroke! And now when I listened to this tape in its entirety, it saddened me a great deal. 

But there is also a bit of comfort in that during the worst time of their lives, they were still able to tell one another how important the other was to them and how their life was made full of love and joy because of the way they lived their lives. Even in that most painful state of his health, Babaji was worried about Ammaji and Ammaji told him how much love he gave to her. It was nice to hear that from the generation of our grandparents and it gave me a bit of peace thinking that they both knew at that juncture of their lives that they were loved. 

Wish that is how it was for you. You knew that I loved you but you needed to hear that from others. Someone forever stole your smile. When I look at older pictures, prior to 1993 and even few in later years closer to it, you have a beautiful smile. I was reading a letter you wrote to me and you said that you could not remember how we lived 15 years ago when things were better both physically and emotionally. You sound so resigned in those letters and it makes me sad as well as wonder why... You are the strongest woman I know, so why did you choose to stay in the situation? I should have pressed more and helped more - I know that. And if you all suffered so much in the end when none of you had done one thing to hurt anyone in all your lives then I wonder what my ending will be like... I won't ask for forgiveness or for God to be kinder to me because I don't deserve it. But yet even now I have everything I could ask for -- other than all of you still be here with me in person. I don't know if there is justice in this World.

I have a treasure of your letters as well. What should I do with them? A logical part of me tells me that I ought to shred them and have them recycled because after me they will probably end up worse. But it would be like stabbing myself in the heart. Something will need to be done but not sure how. We met a neighbor of ours and the couple was telling us the same thing that I worry about. They don't have any children either and were worried about what to do with thousands of old photographs and things belonging to their parents and grandparents that no one wants now. It was at least comforting to know that someone else felt the way I do. I will have to talk to them ore about this and see if we can't figure out what to do. Wish you were here to tell me what to do...

At least I can talk to you through this media...

Miss you much and love you always
Your daughter
November 28, 2022
November 28, 2022
Dear Mummy

Papa left me a birthday song and a few phone messages that I listen to when I need to hear his voice. I love your "Om hai" song and Papa's "choti choti gayaiyan"... At least I have your voices I can still listen to.
Ate too many chips today and had a terrible stomachache. You and I used to get filled up on chips and salsa whenever we went to a Mexican place :) I miss those days. Papa and I found a much better Mexican restaurant in Madison and wished that we knew of it and took you to it that last time... I miss those coffee breaks we used to take at the UW hospital. Last time I was there, someone else was sitting in our seats.

This has been a good year and I know it is because of you all who are still looking out for me. But I missed you this morning even more.... I found my birth certificate the other day!! I am surprised that it is still around - not sure whether I have had it all along or it came from among papa's papers. But my name is listed as "baby Saroj" :)

Thought about how you, Babaji and Ammaji would have held me. I am sure Papa didn't because I think I remember you telling me that he was too shy to :) 
There are so many things I want to know and ask you about - but it is too late. The thought keeps coming back -- "if she hadn't been so ill, there would have been time to talk about so much"... Chris was asking the other day why you two refused to move to a place near us - it would have been only until we found something bigger. I didn't have an answer.

I am so happy to have found that card I talked about yesterday... It is like someone said "You will find signs and it is up to you to decide where you believe they are coming from". I choose to believe they come from you all.

I have been trying to find a book that you used to read every day but can't quite tell which it was. I would like to do the same in your memory. 

Missing you very much today and always.
With all my love
Your daughter
November 20, 2022
November 20, 2022
Dear Mummy

Its been a few days...
Talked with Dina recently; and Joanne. Joanne remembers you and Papa and always talks about you. Dina, even though she never met you; just Papa - but she can relate as she also lost her Mum two years ago to Covid. It feels good to talk to these people who knew you two and had a lot of respect and appreciation for your volunteer work at the St. Marys. I am so glad to have been able to set up the endowment in both your memory. Initially when we first set up the fund in your memory, Papa used to love going there and looking at your name on the board. It was nice to do this with him.

He has been with you now for almost five years! It feels like a long time but at the same time everything seems to be just as if it happened yesterday. Wish you could sit in the warm sunshine with us, papa and babaji ammaji. What fun it would have been. This place is so quiet just like a park. You all would have loved it.

I am still looking to find a place and/or a deserving person to pass your legacy on to. While I want to do this in my lifetime, at the same time I have separation anxiety whenever I think of parting from all those. But it will be best to have it taken care of while I am still around - just to make sure that it is done. I need to spend more time to try to do this as soon as possible. It is difficult because things are the way you said they were - not the way I saw with my child's eyes. But I am honored to be a guardian for your legacy and I promise to do a good job and make sure that it is appropriately used.

I love you Mummy... You are never far from my thoughts.
I have been wearing your coat for the first time now. It feels warm and as if you are enveloping me in your arms... and then I see you smile... and it makes it all better.

Love you always
Your daughter

November 4, 2022
November 4, 2022
Sunshine reminds me of you, Mummy. 
It feels warm like your hug and beautiful as your smile.
It feels good.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
November 2, 2022
November 2, 2022
Dear Mummy

All these walking trails wait for you, Papa and me to walk through. First year you were gone, on Mother's Day, Chris and I took your urn for a walk on the path that we used to walk on. I suppose you are still with me on these walks but it isn't the same. 

Now I look back at those days when you were not able to walk a long distance and Papa and I used to turn right for his regular walk and you would take the left turn for your short one. I used to turn around, look at you and say to myself that you were slowly fading. Now when I think of it, we shouldn't have left you to go on your own. I should have come with you instead of with papa. Never occurred to me then...

I miss those walks.
It is almost five years since Papa has been gone. And almost time for your 64th anniversary too.
It only occurred to me yesterday that he told us that story of you two fighting for the box to take wedding photos in to Mawana on the third day after marriage. So that third day when you had your first disagreement would have been the 28th of December. Is that why you picked that day to come and take him with you? Funny how I never thought of it before. Coincidence or not, he was probably thinking about that on that day. He was tired and likely just wanted to rest... and so he did. I like to think that you came for him and took him by the hand to a warm and comfortable place with all the family. This thought gives me some peace.

Love you always.
Your next calendar is ready. Wish you could see these.  I know you would have loved them. This is my way to send you messages and hope you see them from wherever you are and smile.

Miss you.
Your daughter
October 27, 2022
October 27, 2022
Dear Mummy

There was something you said once - I feel the same way today.
Wish I could talk to you and hug you.
You used to say that I never share anything. Now that I am ready, you are not around - not in the way that I could hold hand with you and just talk.

Maybe some day when we meet again?

Love you
Missing you very much
Your daughter
October 24, 2022
October 24, 2022
Happy Diwali Mummy

You are here in my heart and in my soul always. So on this Diwali I will hold our memories together and be very grateful for having had a wonderful childhood and for all the happy, and even not-so-happy times that we had together. Even in not-so-happy times we knew that we loved each other. It gives me some peace that you knew how much I loved you as you closed your eyes for the last time. 

I hold you close in my heart --- always.
Love you and miss you
Your daughter
October 20, 2022
October 20, 2022
Dear Mummy

Last night when I was in need of one, I found your blue gown - most unexpectedly - as if a blessing from you. It brought such happy memories of you because I remembered you wearing it in the good old days when we were one big (or small) happy family. I could see you looking comfy and smiling as you prepared for bed - with your innocent and simple way of talking... It made me really happy and brought a smile to my face. 

Thank you for that... and for everything.
Your love keeps me going. Lately I have seen all four of you in my dreams - mostly looking healthy and happy and I know that you are with me in spirit. It will have to suffice for now and I am grateful for this knowledge that you are all watching over me.

Love you and miss you
Thank you for all the memories - all -- happy and not-so-happy - all of them were with you and I am glad to have been yours - the best mum of all. I know I never said it and even complained about you to you but - I think - that was mostly for being angry with myself for failing you - for not taking care of you the way I should have. Thank you for taking care of me and for loving me and understanding my pain watching you suffer - even when I was not at my best.

Last night I imagined you were stroking my hair as I laid there with you and you comforting me and it felt good.

I keep your memories as my best treasure.
Your daughter

September 30, 2022
September 30, 2022
Dear Mummy

You got to see Ammaji for one last time 28 years ago today. I feel like she was just waiting for you and Papa. I am so glad that at least in the end you were with her- even though 14 years too late. She would have still missed Babaji as they were together for over 60 years but if only she could have been with us. As Babaji wrote in that one of the last letters to Papa that she would be most comfortable with us since we have all lived together always.

At least she saw you two in the end.
I miss her very much today. Hope you are all together now and all the bad things we have all lived through have been forgotten.

Love you and miss you very much
Your daughter
September 26, 2022
September 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

I was just listening to Babaji Ammaji's voices that Papa left for me here. I wish you were here and we could listen to them together. We used to read their letters together and cry... remember? Everything ends at "your illness robbed us of everything" and it is true.

I miss those days when we were all together in Meerut...

Just wanted to say this.
Love you
Your daughter
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March 24
March 24
Happy Holi, Mummy....

I hope all is colorful and happy today wherever you are...
I am missing all of you... missing the food.. The smells of the day are still with me.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Mummy

I had a beautiful dream last night full of lots of jugnu and them turning into butterflies somehow. We were in the Thapar Nagar house, the one in Gali#6. Babaji was there too. And so I am sure that Ammaji and Papa were also. I didn't really see any faces but had a feeling that you were there. Babaji was worrying about me as usual "aisai mein kaisai jayaigee...", he was saying. It was beautiful. As I walked up, the jugnu were coming up and I don't know how but they transformed into butterflies and were fluttering about!

It was beautiful!

I went to sleep last night wishing very hard that I would see you all just one more time... and there you were...

Not that I need any proofs anymore but it still feels so wonderful to be reminded once again that you are all with me and still your love follows me wherever I go. It is also a reminder for me to always follow your path and try to do as much good as I can. I feel like even if I can help just one person, it will repay, even if just in a small way, for the kindness of so many who helped all four of you. I am lucky (or perhaps you have sent this opportunity my way) that I can do just that. This couple has a very difficult time but they are always smiling and always so happy to see me! I am so happy to have them in my life and so happy for Chris's support in this.

Oh, it was a lovely dream. I just wish that I saw your faces but perhaps your souls are at peace now and you can only be there as a feeling... a deep feeling... That night when you came to me when I was very sad, I can still hear your voice as you called my name... 

Thank you for being there for me... and for still showing me the way...

With all my love
Your daughter
March 8
March 8
Dear Mummy

I think about you all the time. But Taco Bell pizza always brings back happy memories. Both you and Papa were so fond of it :)

I miss you so very much. You would have loved the Gardyn since you loved gardening so...

I was watching an interview the other day - a lady almost my age. She lost her Dad at 5 and she said that not a day goes by when she doesn't think of him. It made me feel validated, I suppose. I was sorry for her to not have had what I had but it feels good to know that there are others who still have emotional attachments.

I love you very much but you already know that. Still... good to say it. I wish I could give you a hug and hold you one more time.

Your daughter
Recent stories

Last letter from Babaji to me dated March 4, 1980

September 3, 2023
After this he could no longer write...

Letter from my Babaji dated February 19, 1980

September 3, 2023
Unimaginable pain and yet all he worried about and wished for --- was my happiness... and about how I would deal with him gone...

Mummy worried about the same thing...  
When one is in so much pain and despair, how do they think of anyone else?  Will I be able to?  I hope so - if for no other reason than to be able to prove myself worthy of so much love I have received in my lifetime.

Hurts me to part from your treasure but...

July 7, 2023
What can I do Mummy?  I had to find a safe place for these - especially your wedding jewelry.  I have resisted parting from these but I worry that these will be lost if I were to die today.  I am happy that I have found as safe a place as possible - I hope you are happy with my decision and choice in this. Wish I wore it when you were still around.  Can you see me now?  Hope you can.  I know you are smiling. A dress made from your Saree and your wedding chocker.

Still, it is one of the hardest things..  
Yet, it needs to be done.

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