I honestly don't really know how to start this. Part of me is still reeling from the fact that it's been ten whole years since you passed. How did time fly so fast, to where I barely even recognize the me from back then?

I'm at the age now where my friends are settling down. I'm still friends with the usual bunch from my elementary/middle/high school years. I think about how lucky I am to have such a good group, people who grew up with me that I can count on to always have my back. People who have met you, who remember short moments they shared with you. How you used to hand them clementines when they came to visit.

Now, I'm the one standing in your place. I'm the one going to weddings and graduation parties for my friends' kids. I'm sitting here, surrounded by the hobbies that you and mom helped me build. I've gotten back into art, music, cooking. I even painted. I'm nowhere near a good a painter as you, but I think it's alright if I find my own style, slowly but surely.

I remember you used to tell us "Time waits for no one". I thought it was really dorky at the time, because my friends had shown me a movie called "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time" and that was the main quote they used. But that line is 100% true. No matter how much I want time to stand still, even just for a minute so I can catch my breath, it won't. I blink my eyes, and the world has moved on.

10 years ago, I lost someone who I thought would always be there. At 19, I had this silly notion that my parents and friends were invincible, that death was nothing to worry about. And then there I was, the police at my door, Mom's voice on the phone.  You taught your final lesson to me that day, that nothing lasts forever. This past decade, I've watched mom's health decline. I've watched my friends struggle to come to terms with their own parents inevitability. And I realize that for the rest of my life, I will have to watch everyone through the same pain I did. That I will relive February 4th, 2014, over and over again.

I went to a funeral recently, for my friend's dad. And the pastor there told the congregation that we as people aren't gods. We all die someday. And that someday comes for us much faster than we'd like to admit. He told us that it was time to focus on what joy life gave. What joy we could bring to the world, and what joy those who had passed gave to us. It was time to move forward, to accept that death comes for us all, and to know that we can't stay in the never-ending cycle of grief forever.

I don't think I'm a positive enough person to say that I won't continue to grieve over the loss. Pastor Sandy had told me before the funeral, that it never gets any easier. And she's right, it doesn't. But all the things you've taught me over my childhood, they make me think of you in a happier light. With every sad memory, there's a happy one.

I know you're still here to get me through it all. I love you, Dad.

It's officially been 10 years since the day you passed away. 
It's been 10 years since my heart hurt so bad I felt like I was being stabbed with multiple knives.
It's been 10 years since I shared my last conversation with you (the night before about me showing off my karate skills and you saying, "Zhen bang!" and going upstairs.)
It's been 10 years since I cried in your closet, called you over and over... Praying it was all just a dream.
It's been 10 years since I experienced the deepest pain I've ever experienced in my life because I lost you.

10 years ago, I remember brushing my teeth and looking in the dirty mirror of the hall bathroom, asking myself: "What will life be like in 10 years?" It felt like a million years away. I wasn't sure what my future self would be like. But I knew one thing for sure; that my future self would be in a better place than I was then.

Which of course, came out to be true. Here I am, 10 years later, a 26 year old completely new person.

With new friends along the way, a husband, a job, my own (rented) place... (Don't blame me okay the prices in MA are crazy okk :..o). I'm in a waaaay better place than I was 10 years ago. I know you would be proud of me. 

7 more years and I will have lived half my life without you, Dad (which is craaazy). Sometimes I still think if I am on a trip: "Oh I need to get something for dad too" (like a souvenir). And to be honest, it gives me joy to think that, because you're still very alive in my heart.

I miss and forever will love you, Babz. Mom, Jenny, Justin, Ben and I visited your grave yesterday; commemorating all the times and how it's already been 1 whole decade. We then ate delicious sushi together and got boba and Japanese cheesecake. I wish you were there to hang out with us. I wish we could share our joys and have deep talks like we used to.

Life is going better than I expected 10 years ago. "Yi ja yan jin, jiu guo qu le. Zhen kuai a." It's true. But that isn't always a bad thing. I'm proud of how I've grown. I'm proud of who I've become. And I hope that you would be of me as well. Cheers to commemorating your life dad. You can be assured that we are all doing better than we thought we would have. 

Love you forever,
Helen Young Gu

It's crazy to think that we celebrated your 57th birthday together a whole 10 years ago. That year might have been the time time of the winter storm when the lights went out! It was cozy, but fun. I remember we went to Lao Si Chuan with you, mom and me in October 2013. It feels like a life time ago; I was still in high school then!

Anyways, there's a lot changing as always. And to be frank, I'm not sure if you would be happy with the changes; but I would hope you would be proud of me growing into whom I am meant to become. (And of course, I am healthy and happy as well.) I'm still a teacher, now teaching at Lexington Christian Academy. My Chinese is just as awful as before, so I'm not too much help with the Chinese international students here. (lol). However, they do remind me of you and mom, and it makes me wonder if you guys would've been similar to them if y'all had come to America as high schoolers. 

Ben and I are doing well, I am so thankful for him taking care of things in the house and always wanting what's best for me. He even recently drove out to bring mom to a show with Jenny when I was sick. I'm sure you would also be thankful of Ben's efforts and sacrifices for me and our family.

Anyways, I'm always thinking of you, Babz. I miss talking with you about the joys of life. And I hope you would be open to listen to the things I am learning about in the world and what matters most to me.

ALSO-- thank you for taking the time to test my spelling because my goodness these high schoolers' and middle schoolers' spelling is dreadful!! (lol). Even though I hated it at the time, I totally understand why you put in that extra effort to help my spelling be EXCELLENT. I love you, Babz! Rest in peace and happy 67th birthday! <3